Ten Things You Might Not Have Known About Wayne Rooney!

1:  Wayne Rooney is married to Colleen Nolan of the Nolan Sisters and Loose Women fame. 

2:   Which .invites all sorts of puns about Wayne being a big fan of Loose Women, except he never watches it, as he prefers CBeebies.  And having sex with prostitutes.  

3:  Wayne Rooney earns a staggering 20 million pounds a year from his football playing and sponsorhsip.

4:  A large percentage of this is spent on prostitutes.

5:  According to MILF mathematician Carol Vorderman, if all the prostitutes in Amsterdam were flown over to Old Trafford in a fleet of private jets, it would take Wayne Rooney at least six weeks to bang each one of them in turn.  Which would leave him with a very sore dick and Sir Alex Ferguson with a major headache.

6:  Carol Vorderman has also calculated that, if all the prostitues in the greater Bangkok area of Thailand (excluding ladyboys) were flown over to Wembley Stadium in a mind blowingly large fleet of private jets, Wayne Rooney's dick would have fallen off by the time the January transfer window opened.

7:  Wayne Rooney once mistook the Countdown studio for a brothel and offered Carol Vorderman money for sex, live on air.  The bootilicious brainbox was so offended, she immediately resigned from the show.

8:  Wayne Rooney's collection of top-of-the-range sports cars is said to be worth a staggering 83 million pounds.     However, he prefers to drive an old banger of a Ford Mondeo when he goes kerb crawling of a night.

9:  According to anonymous friends, who also happen to be her sisters, Colleen Nolan is "In the Mood for Dancing" all the way to the divorce court over Wayne's embarrassing shopping habits.

10:   During the World Cup in South Africa, Wayne Rooney was so frustrated by Fabio Capello's ban on prostitutes in the England dressing room at half-time that he couldn't wait to get home.  A sentiment shared by most of his team-mates.

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All Financial Problemssolved!

FROM: Liu Yan
Bank of China Ltd.13/F. 
Bank of China Tower
1 Garden Road
Hong Kong,
 
I sincerely ask for forgiveness for I know this may seem like a completeintrusion to your privacy 
but right about now this is my best option ofcommunication. This mail might come to you as a 
surprise and the temptation toignore it as frivolous could come into your mind, but please 
consider it adivine wish and accept it with a deep sense of humilityThis letter must surprise you 
because we have never meet before neither inperson nor by correspondence, but I believe that, 
it takes just one day to meet orknow someone either physically or through correspondence. 
 
I got your contact through my personal search, you were revealed as being quiteastute in 
private entrepreneurship, and one has no doubt in your ability to handle a financial business 
transaction. I am Mr. Liu Yan a transfer supervisoroperations in investment section in Bank of China Ltd. 
Secretariat of the BOCHK Charitable Foundation 13/F. Bank of China Tower, 1 Garden Road,Hong Kong 
I havean obscured business suggestion for you.Before the U.S and Iraqi war our client 
General Mohammed Jassim Ali who work with the Iraqi forces and also business manmade a numbered 
fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, with a value of (I willdisclose amount upon your reply) in my 
branch.Upon maturity several notices was sent to him, even early in the war, againafter the war 
another notification was sent and still no response came fromhim, We later found out that General 
Mohammed Jassim Ali and his family had beenkilled during the war, in a bomb blast that hit their home.
After further investigation it was also discovered that General Mohammed JassimAli did not declare any 
next of kin in his official papers including the paperwork of his bank deposit. And he also confided in me 
the last time he was at myoffice that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank. So, 
(I willdisclose amount upon your reply) is still lying in my bank and no one will evercome forward to claim it. 
 
What bothers me most is that, according to the laws ofmy country at the expiration of 3 years the funds 
will be reverted to the ownership of the Hong Kong Government if nobody applies to claim the funds. 
Against this backdrop, my suggestion to you is that I will like you as aforeigner to stand as the next of 
kin to General Mohammed Jassim Ali so that youwill be able to receive his funds. I want you to know that, 
I have had everythingplanned out for a successful outcome.I have contacted an attorney who will prepare 
the legal documents that will authoriseand back you up as the next of kin to General Mohammed Jassim Ali, 
all what isrequired of you at this stage is for you to provide me with your full Name,private phone number 
and address so that the attorney can commence his job.After you have been made the next of kin, the 
attorney will also file in forclaims on your behalf and secure the necessary approval and letter from the 
probate in your favour for the transfer of the funds to an account that will be provided byyou with my 
guidance. There is no risk involved at all in the matter as we aregoing to adopt a legalized method and 
the attorney will prepare all the necessarydocuments.Please endeavour to observe utmost discretion in 
all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account 
then we shalldiscuss the percentage issue on your reply.If you are interested please forward to me your full 
name and current residentialaddress, and I will prefer you to reach me on my private and secure email 
address below and finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this operation.
 
Best Regards
Liu Yan
Please reply to this email: bnkliuyan@gmx.com
 

It Wouldn't Happen in America!

In the wake of the Cumbria massacre, right wing American madman Ted Nugent this morning shot his way into the offices of Fox News in America, dramatically interrupting a debate between Glen Beck and Sarah Palin, on using tactical nuclear weapons to hunt moose. Following a friendly exchange of gunfire, Palin and the Nuge agreed that the s**t that happened in Cumbria could never happen in the USA, as the perp would have been taken out by a well armed citizenry, with only minimal collateral damage.

"This kinda s**t doesn't happen in America," foamed Nugent.  "You point a gun at me, I'll blow your motherf*****g head off, motherf****r.  F**k you.  You f***ing c**t!"

"Yeah.  F**k you and f**k your f*****g mother!" screamed Palin.  "Barack Obama is a Nazi."

Ted Nugent then departed with his smoking assault rifle hanging limply by his side, muttering something about needing to change his pants and water his lettuces.

"Death by a bullet through the head is what happens when people get shot by people, not guns!" screamed talk show host Beck as a twelve inch needle containing his daily rabies shot penetrated his gut. 

 

Nick Griffin's Track of the Election.

I'm not a racist, but I am a racist.  I don't want to kick all black people out of Britain.  There's a black bloke that's been cleaning toilets in Cardiff since 1956 and thinks the Black and White Minstrel Show was the greatest television programme of all time and thinks BNP stands for Black National Party.  He can stay.  And there's one Paki in East London that keeps his shop open all hours and is handy for an early morning pint of milk or a few cans before the pubs open.  He can stay too.

There might be a few others, but probably not.  The BNP will kick all the black bastards out because we believe in White Power, but we won't kick anybody out because we're actually not racist at all.  That's why I've chosen Whitney Houston and Skrewdriver.

Nick Clegg's Track of the Election.

It's typical of the Conservative leader to latch onto Gordon Brown's new found interest in satanic death metal, but if Judas Priest is the best that David Cameron has to offer, it only goes to show how out of touch he is with the electorate.  The British people don't want to be pounded into submission by another five years of Labour or dragged back to the 1980s by the Tories.  What they need is a message they can understand, delivered with style and melody.

David Cameron's Track of the Election.

The Britich people are tired of this failed Labour government.  They are tired of the sleaze, the lies, the broken promises and the failed economic policies.  They are tired of listening to the same old bland, predictable rubbish and frankly, so am I.  Which is why I have stopped listening to Ronan Keating and Cliff Richard on my i-pod, when I go out for a run.  I'm listening to Judas Priest now and I find them rather groovy.  This track I have chosen just makes one want to undo an extra shirt button and click one's fingers in a most aggressive fashion.